Were you ever told by anyone that you were fat? Or that you could look better if you gain or lose something? I have been called fat, unattractive, plain Jane, too pretty, sexy and anything you could call a girl and make her feel like a worthless mass of fat- whose only value could be derived or, worse, not derived from her flesh.
I still don’t feel like I have achieved anything. I keep wondering if I get by because of the way I, some times, look. Not the poems I wrote or the lives that I have lived. I often feel that I have not made anything. As I write this, I again think that that’s true. It must be one of those days.
And, I hate myself on days when I see how much I care about how I look. I confess, sometimes I purposefully dress up or down for the sole reason of getting or avoiding attention. I have failed miserably at both. I mean it. But, I also try so hard to unlearn all those thoughts and ideas about the importance of my looks.
But, anyone who has caught themselves actively thinking will know how warped our minds and thoughts can be. I was told by a lot of people about healthy diet, skin, body hair and each word stays. I am often accused of over-analysing an over-reacting. But, what would you do? Don Draper is allowed to go back to his childhood whenever his problems get too overwhelming. Shouldn’t I be, too?
I have had a very real battle with eating disorders. It made me very sick. We go to or away from food every time we are happy or sad or angry or just hungry or taking a break. Imagine, going to a fridge and not being able to pick out anything because your brain would go into an overdrive regarding nutrition value when all you wanna do is eat because you are 15 and you have a 7-hour school followed by 4 hours of coaching and 4 hours or more travelling to and fro. And you are supposed to study.
And not surprisingly, my body image is so badly dis-morphed that I don’t know whether I consider myself ugly or pretty. People with kids around should know better than to dissect their bodies and point out where the fat reserves are. You wanna watch weight, do it TO YOURSELF if for some reason you can’t exercise or have a sedentary lifestyle. Not to kids, not to teens, not to others. Your body is your own. After the sperm is out, placenta is cut, the body belongs to someone else. That someone is a person with thoughts feelings systems that are DIFFERENT from yours even if they look like you did or do.